Life beyond "The Fear"

If you, like me, are a university student, you too are possibly a proficient procrastinator. A master of time-wasting. A virtuoso of doing precisely bugger all. Anything is more interesting than doing work as yet another assignment finds squalid residence on your desk underneath overdue library books and a plethora of take-away menus.

 All thoughts of doing anything constructive are pushed to the back of your brain, possibly behind that part which allows you to remember all the lyrics to "Baby Got Back," but doesn't retain useful information such as when the (extortionate) rent is due. I'm serious. Though that essay on the merits of media regulators is essential to passing your degree, nearly anything is more appealing than putting pen to paper...or fingers to keyboard, this is 2012 after all.  To demonstrate this point I shall prepare you a short list of things I did instead of working:

• Painted my nails (a lovely shade of whore-red in case you were wondering).
• Cleaned my room, even the nasty crevice where the spiders live behind my bed. During this cleanse the Queen of all spiders scuttled out of her lair and across my bare foot. I immediately had to make myself a cup of tea, acquire some smelling salts and have a sit down.
• Did the mountain of washing up which had been gathering for well over a week.
• Counted all my change. (£7.24)
• Organised the bottles on my shelf from smallest to largest.
• Practised facial expressions in the mirror.
• Made tiny men out of blu-tac.
• Deleted over 3000 emails from my inbox. Most of them were from Facebook or Groupon. My existence is a sad one.
• Trolled friends who like current awful music such as Lana Del Rey, Gotye, Carly Rey Jepsen and Rizzel Kicks. I bet if I asked these friends in six months they'd have no clue who these people are. Probably.
• Made a chain of paper-clips.
• Wrote this blog.

Is any of this sounding familiar? If it isn't I'm afraid you aren't doing university right. Please leave, hand your student card over to the main desk on your way out and never drink another jagerbomb again.

Wouldn't you rather be doing this?

Than this...

Anyway, mid-procrastination something terrible happened. Usually this is where I'd introduce The Fear. That feeling of utter panic you experience when you realise there are mere hours till your 3000 word deadline and you've produced a distinctly average paragraph masquerading as academic writing. The Fear will trigger mass paranoia and whisper nasty things in your ear, promises of a career at McDonalds wearing that funny little hat, or even worse, a cashier at Heron Foods. Yet lo and behold I have encountered something more sinister than The Fear. 

It's the future. It's grim, it's inevitable and it's looking right at you with grubby little eyes. Doc Brown had the right idea when he shoved Marty McFly into that modified DeLorean. As third year comes to an end in less than three weeks I'm sure many like myself want to hit that magical 88mph and go back to a better time.

Let me clarify that by the future, I mean growing up, getting a real job and trying to be a functioning member of society rather than someone who lies in bed until 4pm watching reruns of 90s TV shows. For three years I have been living under the fallacious assumption that I could live the student dream forever. But I suppose reality had to happen at some point.

Why am I so afraid? Because not even the mountains of essays, all nighters at the library and basic (read limited) knowledge of adobe premier can prepare you for what lies beyond university. The real world, where there are no more student loans or grants to help you. In the real world you have to get up at an appropriate hour, wear office clothes and work the 9-5. In the real world you start discussing spreadsheets and bitching about how Tracey at the office never washes her coffee mug. Before you know it you'll be fantasising over a stationary catalogue.

Sorry world, but I'm just not ready for that sort of excitement in my life. Which is exactly why I have opted to take a year out, do the absolute minimum to get by and continue to live like I'm still 18.

So in anyone else in a similar position? What will you do after university, if anything at all?